I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
