and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
