I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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