The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
