My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
