Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
