Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize