Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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