please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
