need another drink. this is the easiest way
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize