I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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