and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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