I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
