so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
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No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
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I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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