Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
