"it" just moved
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
