rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
