YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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