I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize