just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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