I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
