if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
