What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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