i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
