i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
