In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
