i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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