so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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