Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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