That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
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I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
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Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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