I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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