Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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