Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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