I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
