a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I need a burrito and a hug.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
