I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
