Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
