He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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