I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
