No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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