the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
