Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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