First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
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My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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