Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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