my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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