I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
