Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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