I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
