I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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