I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
