when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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