i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
