Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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