My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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