all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
