I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I intend to get homeless drunk
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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