if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
